Knowing that i’m as important to you as you are to me is an absolute necessity in any type of relationship I get myself into. Nothing really drives me crazier than having to constantly worry over the assumption that something like this is one-sided. 

They hurt you, took advantage of you, made you feel like nothing, and left. They were the reason behind your restless nights and troubled mind for weeks on end, yet you’re still ready to let them back into your life with open arms as if all they ever did was make you feel happy and appreciate everything you’ve done for them. It’s ridiculous, all of the resentment and self-pride you’d set aside for someone you cared too much about. 

I tend to be attracted to people who don’t show me the attention most others do.

I remember when talking to you was a necessity, just having a conversation with you every few hours or so was one of my biggest priorities. The day would feel lacking and inadequate without some sort of acknowledgement from you, and i’d spend restless hours tossing and turning in my bed just wondering why we hadn’t spoken that day. My constant thoughts of paranoia and anxiety ate me alive, I felt as if i’d never meet another person that could ever intellectually connect with me the way you could. I was always so absorbed in our conversations, there just weren’t many people I had known at that time that could contribute to conversations the way you could and I valued every second we spent talking to each other. I didn’t have feelings for you, I valued our friendship far too much to risk shattering it all because of a few stupid, insignificant feelings of affection. You meant so much more to me than that, you were one of my bestfriends.  

But now? We’re labeled as nothing but two people that simply know each other. The transition from close friends to strangers was much too rapid for me to able to recognize why, let alone why neither of us did anything to prevent something like this. Sure we could try starting a conversation every now and then, attempt to mend our past friendship, but deep down we both knew our efforts were working at a lost cause. That closeness, back then what we had thought was sustaining and imperishable, had just dissolved into nothing within a matter of days. I appreciate the friendship that we had before, your empathetic mind-set and habit of being there when I needed a listening ear had shaped me into a better person. I can only pray that you remember the impact I had made on your life while I was a part of it.

You jump from person to person like you constantly need to be ‘talking’ to someone. I honestly don’t see why, before you were exposed to dating, relationships, etc you knew how to keep yourself entertained and satisfied. Now it’s like you crave for someone to maintain your own happiness. I miss the old you, the one that didn’t rely on someone else other than themselves to stay up-beat and optimistic. 

I can’t stand being “just another girl” to someone that’s really special to me, especially if they’re constantly surrounded and admired by other people. I don’t know, I just don’t like sharing. I’m so selfish when it comes to my friends, terrified of the idea of them leaving me for someone better. It always happens eventually, and I can’t do anything but watch painfully after them as they fade away. It’s a slow progress, and yet for some reason I never find myself making any effort to affix them back into my life. 

There are honestly some days where I just wanna move away, far away, and never look back. I get so fed up sometimes, I swear, and it’s funny how I can’t name anything in particular that i’m getting so devastatingly sick of. I just wanna get away from all of it, from everything and everyone. Yet everyday, I wake up at the same fucking time, in the same fucking bed, head on over to the same fucking school, and carry-out the same fucking routine over and over again with a smile on my face. Frankly, when I lay down at night ready to fall asleep, I wish for nothing more than to forever drift in my own unconsciousness. Never having to wake up, never having to go back to that bullshit routine. I don’t see why i’m feeling so damn exhausted by everything, but I am and I’m so lost on simply what to do to make myself feel any better than I am now. 

There’s really nothing that irritates me more than someone belittling my potential. Whether they’re joking or not, it’s so discouraging and oppressive having someone tell you to your face, “Oh, you’re too stupid” or “Just stop, you can’t even—”. Honestly, who the hell do you think you are to tell me what I can and cannot do, what i’m capable and incapable of doing? Who are you to think that you’re any better than me, and just who the fuck gave you the right to make such demeaning comments towards another person? Keep those kind of rash statements to yourself, no one likes the feeling of not being good enough. 

I think it’s absolutely adorable hearing one thoroughly profess their adoration for another individual. Just witnessing a person breaking down and confessing their absolute infatuation for someone they care so deeply for is so heart-warming and engrossing, it’s enough to make me jealous just wishing someone could speak so fondly of me. Seeing their eye’s go soft and hearing the immense amount of compassion in their voice as they struggle to explain just what it is about that person that attracts them so strongly, it’s enthralling and I only wonder if someone could ever feel that way about someone like me. 

I need a guy that can test me, one that can challenge my intellect and have numerous, bizarre conversations over things that other boys wouldn’t even think twice about. I love talking to guys that know how to make interesting conversation about shit that you can actually argue or give an opinion over, and know exactly what the fuck they’re talking about. Cut that “Oh, so what’s up then?” shit to a bare minimum, please.

His choices are either now or never, fuck waiting. You have better shit to think about; better, more worthier guys to get caught up with. You have all the time in the world to find that special guy, whether it’s a high school sweetheart or someone you’d want to spend your life with. Don’t spend so much of your time waiting for that one guy you’re head over heels for when you could be spending your time being happy, it’s not worth it.

You always find an excuse to criticize me. The majority of time I just keep my head up and ignore your negative comments but it just really gets to me sometimes.. I don’t understand how you don’t realize just how badly your pointless criticism can affect me in the long run and i’m so fucking sick of it.

Every time i’m forced to get over a guy I like, I just constantly tell myself that I can do better. I can find a guy that’ll connect with me better than the previous one; a guy that’s funnier, cuter, sweeter, all that. I tell myself i’ll eventually find a guy I have stronger chemistry with, someone i’d be able to talk to for so much longer on the phone, someone who’d be able to finish my sentences and have countless inside jokes with. I constantly repeat to myself that soon enough i’ll find someone i’ve never felt so strongly for, in a way i’ve never felt for anyone else. It takes some time to convince myself of all this, but once I have, i’m set.

It’s statements like this that just run though my head and eat me alive constantly. There’s always something bothering me, some pointless obstacle that’s stopping me from being happy. Why can’t I just be satisfied with the life I have now? I have it so much better off than millions of other people on the other side of the world, people living on the street without food or a roof over their heads. Why complain about something that’s stupid and temporary?